Making bad writing better.

"Swimming in a golden bath of its own making, the sun painted long shadows across the sandy surface of the plateau."

This was the first line of my novel-in-progress, until very recently. Now, the first line is:

"People will die tonight."

I believe this constitutes an improvement. If nothing else, you now want to read the second sentence, instead of curling up for a nap. Right?

(You can just smile and nod, if you like. Or pat me on the shoulder and say, "Of course, dear." I'm probably too sleepy to notice anyway.)

--Tesi